Okay i think i've finally had an epiphany, like a proper epiphany. It just came across to me that maybe im the way i am with boyfriends because i always compare them, subconsciously or otherwise to my bro and dad... and the whole relationship to my parents'. And somehow the boys never seem to compare? Brian asked me once why i like "the attention but when you get the boys you flee" (thanks ah btw), Beeboo mentioned that im commitment phobic in fish and co last night and today in my room Fartz looked at the pic of my present guy and me and looked at me and went "i give you two 3 months" and when i protested, the girls were talkin about "knowing my past record". And at 2.47 am, when yes, i know i should be packing to catch my plane tomorrow..it came to me... yes, maybe im a bit warped.. but that i change my bfs frequently because im always looking for the "perfect" guy, in a sense, and perfect in a way pertaining to my own criteria.

And no matter what i say in public or what i appear to be like, its really not all about the money. Looks are STILL very important mind, but upbringing is totally the deciding factor. The guy doesnt even have to have a car, although that rarely happens, but he sends me home. Upbringing. He doesnt even have to pay for EVERY meal, but he opens doors, walks by my side, introduces me to his friends when he sees them. Upbringing. Upbringing. Upbringing. I dont even expect him to carry my stuff, but he should at least OFFER to carry my shopping. Upbringing. And walking on the side of the road where he'd get hit by a car first. Upbringing. And i know its not as if it'd make a lot of difference if a car really hits us but its all the little gestures that ive taken so for granted growing up that i need to have. I guess, as im sure Fartz would definitely agree with me, my dad's set the standard pretty high. And whether i'd want to admit it or no, so has my bro.

And my parents, i duno how they manage to still have sooo much to say and sooo much to do together after sooo long. And i tend to pull away from boyfriends because i have this innate fear that they'd get bored of me after a while - yes, of the one who's so bloody interesting - so im "emotionally unattached" (kindly described by Sean and Jem), so as long as they're on the chase, they're happy and interested and im in the safe, well, maybe sort of, if you get my drift. This is a pretty messy jumbled up entry but it was kinda too late to call someone up and tell someone about my "breakthrough". heh

So maybe its not so much wanting what i cannot have but more the fear of me losing something i want that makes me abandon ship. Well maybe, im not entirely sure yet, but for now, this is a possible theory for all u people who keep asking me why there's always someone new.

I know i talk a lot (ok fine, A LOT) of rubbish, but seriously, its good to be alive!!

In less than a week, im leaving the people ive grown up loving to go to a place ive grown to love, a place filled with people i now love. Its good to be back, yet its good to be going back. Sometimes i think Singapore's too small, that there's nothing to do, but then there are times where i cant help but think to myself, there's no place i'd rather be. My dearest beeboo has apparently put herself into "denial mode" rather not think of me going back (heehee).

After the traumatizing experience with Slow just now (We cant get out! OMG WE'RE GOING TO BE LOCKED IN TAKASHIMAYA AND WE CANT GET TO THE CAR - omg, slow! Take a chill pill!! LOL - i came up the escalator with hats! I DONT SEE HATS!! - mwahahhaa)my life flashed before my eyes (JUST KIDDIN, but it sounded more exciting, no?).. im just glad to be alive! heh

I'm just really lucky to have found friends, great friends, whether i'd admit it openly to their faces or not (just get me drunk slash a little tipsy.. apparently i love everyone when ive got alcohol cursing through me..heh), both here in Singapore, and in Cornell. Because in the end, it all boils down to the company, doesn't it? Whether u're in a crappy situation or in the best situation possible, the company makes all the difference.

Ooo gangsta' paradise is on now.. GEEZ i havent heard that song in FOREVER!!

ClubbiN with my girls is always insane. Now add the ocs boys and we've got a reeeal psychomanic experience which spells nothing but fun~ Friday nights rock..kinda miss my thurs-to-sunday-mornin' frat parties though. Heh Mon, Tues, Wed sober, Thurs, fri, Sat intoxicated whirlwind, Sunday major hangover hits but Sunday Brunches are always quick fixes!

ITS GOOD TO BE ALIVE!

Feeling especially fat this morning.. still sexy as hell but just a tinge of fat..bah! Had the most horrific-slash-bimbotic dream-slash-nightmare that i was going back to the states but i hadnt packed my own luggage. My grandmother had packed for me n i was bringing back 2 HUGE suitcases but each was more empty then the next and i was so paranoid that my jeans and tops and jackets and shoes had not been packed so i was having a panic attack and pokin my dad and askin him how long more before i'd have to board and when he said 10 - 15 min, i knew i could make it back and pack. Dont really know if i managed to pack all my beloved stuff coz "my dad" kept ringing my cell i.e. i got woken up by Joshua ringing my cell to shout into my ear WAKEY WAKEY. BAH!

Anyway, its all Rishi's fault probably. (When in doubt, blame everyone but yourself) Oh man, seriously im still shaking from this traumatic dream. Sigh. *shudder* i need my clothes and shoes and other handy stuff-a-roo! Silly Rish wanted to start packin like a few days ago.. and we're only leavin in a week.. actually he's stayin on 2 days(?) longer than me. Bah!

Oops better go change .. yawnie ... im sleeeepy..because a certain SoMeOnE *raises eyebrows* kept me up til 5 this morn and the same certain someone has the audacity, albeit a very sexy audacity, to make me wake up by 12.. Zzz... yeah gunna bounce though..going to boring N..U..S now... EEk.. for what i have no idea.

OH CRAP. Today my dad showed me my phone bill.. in the 2 weeks ive been back MY PHONE BILL HAS BEEN PHENOMENAL!! Dammit.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!

NO! NOT TELLING!! MI4 MI4!!(Secret in Chinese for those of u who didnt get it because u're not used to me using chinese/han yu pin yin..teehee)

But seriously,
today i got to thinking a bit and 2 things sort of came up:

1) im seriously incredibly SEXY.. im always so surprised at how bloody great i look..i mean everytime i look in the mirror is better than the last time.. i always know i look good but like seriously im always somehow caught by surprise how FREAKING AMAZING i look...sigh... ah well... here's to me.. what can i say? what can i say? He is one lucky boy!

2) was doing a retarded thing - reading past testimonials - in friendster (im upset! even tho i dont add people and this is the 1st time ive gone into it since a yr odd ago and my peeps from the states dont use friendster thus eliminating the uni friends.. WE GOT FACEBOOK, BITCH! heh.. i still have exceedingly little friends on friendster dammit! ive only got 52 .. now i know that friendster is not a competition to see how many friends one has, nor is it a way to check other people out [of course these are both not true - they are friendster's primary purposes u dimwits] anyway as i was saying before i savagely derailed myself from making my own point, i am terribly upset that i only have 52 friends using friendster. Terribly upset. Oh wait, i think i have a better point to this.. yes, indeed, apparently i can say nothing in a lot..lol.. ahh yes! so i was readin my testimonials and i chanced upon - ok fine, i didnt exactly chance upon it since its always been there - a few testimonials from non other than the ex..my supposed mr. big.. who has dashed my hopes of a comingly reunion, not that i can at this point in time, being so attached to another anyways, by moving on. On from me, that is. Well not entirely yet, but soon. i think. Or that's what he told me when he barged into my estate at an unearthly hour of 12ish at night and had the handsome audacity to stay til late/early morning. Oh anyway, as i was saying, the testimonials..oh so touching.. oh oh.. oh well. i shall not be sad. Rish said i shouldnt be sad and i am easily influenced so now im not sad. Just terribly upset that i have so few friends on friendster. Honestly everyone should get an account, even though the next time i go in is prob gonna be next yr.

***

His phone bill from the states is going to be phenomenal.

By my standards, the new yr's eve party went extremely well. I mean....... LOL alcohol, boys, alcohol, boys, friends, boys...

Yes, i am ashamed to say, i ditched most of my friends to hang out with my bro's friends. But what can i say? Hot, wet, strong OCS boyssss.... strong enough to carry little old me and dunk me repeatedly into the penthouse water feature, carry me kickin and screamin across the house and entertain me greatly with their weirdass antiques! I meeeean....HEH

There was bar top dancing - one minute he was up there, the next minute he had fallen down and hit his chin!, stubbing of toes - "my toe fucking hurts..." mwahaha, almost fights - guys taking off their shirts, dropping 10s for alcohol - "drop ten, officer!" HEH, Slow and me shouting "F*** GUYS!!" at unsuspecting guys, 10 hilarious drunken guys at 5am, dunking people into the water feature - "let the witchhunt begin!", introducing everyone to the ntu beauty queen (HEH), the ridiculous countdown and the even more ridiculous recountdown - "Because im the bloody host and i get to countdown as many times as i want!", proposals(!!!well one proposal.. but still..!) and sooo much moreee shiiiit. Certainly one new yr's that's waaay memorable

Apparently i was going around hugging everyone and ive seen some pics of me - im daaaamn red as hell! oh well the sad thing is my tolerance after a mere 4 months in the states is ridiculously high now. Oh well!

Its certainly setting up to be a brilliant new yr! HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!