Ever get this feeling, even though you're surrounded by people, that you're alone? Ever stay up just for the very sake of it? Ever gorge yourself silly just to see how much you can take? And never learn your lesson? Ever put on a wide smile and big grin while hiding some sort of sadness in your heart? Ever take a walk, alone, in the cold chilly night, just to get out and get fresh air? Ever have your heart pound so fast you think you're going to pass out? Ever feel like there's nothing ahead of you, nothing behind you, nothing with you? Ever have all your plans fall apart before your eyes? And then realize how trivial the plans were? Ever feel helpless but be inclined to keep it all in? Ever try to stay strong when all you really want to do is fall apart? Have you ever? Have you ever?

Emotions, though fleeting and in passing, are evil, horrid hindrances. Null yourself to all else. Numb yourself. Make void emotions, take away the stagnant air. Refresh, recharge, rejuvenate. Remember, you always have friends who love and care. Friends who mean the world to you, and to them, you mean the world. Love, live, laugh - and by this motto i shall stand.

So now i don't make you feel special enough? So its gonna be like that huh. OK. Fine. Whatev, i dont need this shit. Dont be a baby. Dont be a hater. How much more fucking special do you want to be? Isnt this enough? Isnt it enough that i take time out to hang with you? No? Too fucking bad. I have other people to keep me going. Other engagements that i need to keep. This is how i am. Take me as i am, or leave me fucking be. Grow up. Dont fucking call me popular, dont fucking call me perfect. Dont be sarcastic, dont be sore. Dont be a ratty little bitch.

Aggrevated.

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.

So confused. So confused by you. What is it? What is it you want?

I love you for saying that. You have no idea. I love you for always being there. I don't tell you enough. I love you for the shit you take from me. You don't know how much i do. I love you for wanting the best for me. In everything i do. I love you for the way you push me to do good. To do better. I love you for the way you care. Sincerely, i do. I love you for being "my bitch" and for letting me be a bitch.

Friendship like this doesn't grow on trees. We lucked out. Maybe me more so than you. But im glad. Glad to have found you. Glad to have been found by you.

See, boys can be nice too.

I dont know if its a good thing or no but last night definitely wasn't the first time a guy told me "I dont know how you make me do all this shit. You're lucky you're so hot!" Which got me thinking. Why the fuck am i soooo goshdarn hot?! Daaaamn....

LOL.

But seriously, i realize im especially demanding to guys who i think are interested in me. I turn guys needy and possessive. FUCK. I didnt believe the bro when he let it rip before, but fuck, i hate to admit im starting to think he's right. Its a fact. I. Attract. Possessive. Guys. Think about it. Who have i gone out with who hasnt been ultimately possessive? Uh, no one! Wait, scrap that, i turn boys possessive. That's my poison.

I make guys try too hard. If they like me, they gotta work to get me. Why do i do this to myself? Why do i do this to them? I mess people up. Thing is, they don't come needy, somewhere along the way, they just become that way. At the beginning, they have to try hard to impress, to do everything, to pass the multiple tests, suffer the disapproving looks, the complaining, the impossible standards, the pointing out of little things which really in fact don't bother me, or i don't seriously require. To be the perfect gentleman, succumbing to my every whim and my every fancy. Then, when they get me, its not over. It's back to the grindstone, never to get off of their hamster wheel, the epitome of determination. They've to work to keep their prize. Like money won in a lottery, it'll run out one day if not fastiduously invested. Hard to keep, they say. "Miss popular" they term. Phonecall after phonecall, friends after friends. No time for them. Time with them preoccupied with others. I'm really not like that. Do i create this illusion, then? How? I do not know. I mess guys up. That much i do know. They come with good intentions, strong and confident. They end up possessive and in need of constant validation. Do you love me? Why don't you have time for me? Who is that? Where are you going? Why aren't you at home? Who are you with? Questions questions questions. Questions questions questions. Why do you let other boys hug and kiss you? Why don't you think of me? Do you think of me? Wait. Isn't that the girl's job to worry about this kinda shit?

I mess boys up. I can't help myself. Its not my fault. I swear. That's how i roll. What do i do? What can i do? i flirt by instinct, not as a forced outlet. You want him, i can tell, he's told me. No, that's just how i am to every guy. "Miss popular" - i can't get it out of my head, just like the taunting chant of mean schoolchildren - it seems like deja vu. Do i keep on dating the same guys? Over and over again, with different faces? Miss popular, miss popular, miss popular. Don't mock me. I do not deny, i would be lost without my cellphone. It rings. But not all the time. Miss popular, miss popular, miss popular, why dont u ever stay put? I cannot give an answer to that. I cannot rid the voices in my head, that evil, childish chant.

I always thought of myself as the perfect girlfriend. I admit i demand a certain standard, but once met, the guy's pretty much free to do whatever. Hang with the guys, i don't mind. I do not require constant supervision, no need for constant validation, no need to be soothed and patted. I always thought i was what they all wanted. Why have they turned against me? I need you to need me more, they say. I do need you, and when i do, i call you. Stroke your macho ego, i know how to play the game. No, i need you to really need me. What does that mean? Too independent. Too social. Too hard to keep. Too hard to get a hold of. Over and over. Have i been dating the same boys, with different faces? Why does it seem like i've heard these complaints before? Every last one of them.

Can a lepard ever change its spots? What does it take for me to break out of this mold? The boys who give chase and break down the barriers are the same kind. Over and over, i date the same boys. I date the same boys with different faces.

I attract the most possessive guys. FUCKKKKK.

Another Cornell birthday, SAKI BOMBING STYLEEEE!!!

So get this, its supposed to be Konstatin's surprise birthday party. But the kid has to do homework!! On a friday night, which he was supposed to hand in like the day before, and he goes, Oh dude if u guys had told me before...

So the surprise party just turned into a mad night of saki bombingggg, among other things. Of course Konstatin joined us later, so we got the party started before his arrival.

I love that i didnt know Siu was in this pic with Andres and i


Ray doing an Eric


Eric necking Ray!! [sure as hell looks like it!]


i dont even know what this boy was doing..


Saki saki sakii bombb


Boob action!


Ray Lester Me


Charlies Angels, ILR style [ Carlos running in ]


(Lester), Carlos, me, Ray, Sarah


Carlos wants a pic of him checkin me out ... why do i look so retarded?!


Ray and me


Nat lays down some looove


My boyss


And the guest of honor arrives!


Carlos making a speech


Come on, stand up, dont be shy


So the boy turns up so late its like almost closing time when he arrives, and we're all pretty fucked up already...

So he makes his grand entrance, speeches are made and he's given his saki bomb...

Taking it like a man...



And so there's a group of sorority girls celebrating a birthday next to us, and we all start a "kiss kiss kiss! We want a kiss!" chant and Konstatin and the birthday girl make out! [duno who has the exact photo but we're eggin them on]



Eric does not believe im redder than he is


Of course Konstatin gets his laadiess


Dan and me


After which, everyone decides to stumble back to my apartment, drink wildly more and party it up. But Ray has a crapload of booze at his place in West, so he and i head over. On the way, i meet a shitload of people who i know, who now think im the most insane/weirdest person in life. SOoo EMBARRASSING!!!

So on the way to West, there's a lot of running, screaming, shouting and piggybacks! 2 of us sure can make a lot of noise.

So we get to Ray's room and [oh yea, this is after i push him and he falls flat on the floor in Mauricio's room ]ta-da, i sight his Indiana Jones hat [which hes gonna use for halloween] and of course steal his cups too


"Have you ever seen anyone as crazy as this girl?" Ray asks some random people.

Indiana Joness


Along the way, we pick up Tim, Won and Dupai.
Walking back to collegetown with these boys is ridiculous.

Finally we get there, (of course after going through names to call Ray's well, erm, member..........) Ray gets doowwn to business!




Then he lets me [in MY own apartment no less!] try my hand at it..

My first time...


... bartending!!


Me and my 'macho' boys - outside the bathroom!!


Awww


Mauricio and i taking a picture... but Ray wants in...
So i'm on Mauricio's lap, and Ray's on mine... [haha tho it really doesnt look like it!]


The idiot spills my drink.. but then tries to clean up


what's a girl to do when 2 hot boys want herrr? lol...


Ohh solitaire?


Ooh Dan.. [hes such a cutie]


..and he's down!!




Afterwards, Ray passes out on the sofa while he and i are watching Dracula/ESPN/Brokedown palace and i'm like WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KID?! So im like fuck it, and i go to sleep and leave him there. lol

SO AWESOMEEE.

Fall break with Seng was SOOO AWESOME!!! I miss that kid already!

Oh yeah, so before the photowhoring begins....

So there's a first time for everything right? Carlos is supposed to drive us down to the city in like 4 hours. So we leave at 1.20pm, after grabbing lunch and all. And im in the backseat with Siu, Sarah's in the front seat. I fall asleep. I wake up to Carlos and Sarah going "You can do it... just a little bit more... just a little bit more.. omg u can do it..." 2 seconds later, Carlos is opening the car doors, going, "OMG I think we need to push the car..."

OMFG!!! THE CAR CRAPPED OUT ON US!!! IN THE RAIN, ON A HIGHWAAAAAYYYYYY!!!

Stumbling out of the car, im like WHAT THE FUUUUUCKKKK, Carlos is giggling like a little girl and Siu and i are laughing our heads off and we're FUCKING PUSHING THE DAMN CARRRRR!!! I've got my hoodie on and my hood up and fucking groggy like heck, with my hood up, im like fucking 8 mile ghettosketch. Siu's on my right laughing, Carlos on my left giggling and we're fucking pushing the damn car!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!! well, it certainly was an f-ing experience!

Whatev, so i reach Seng's place in the citttyyyy FINALLY and we're off to her friend, Carolyn's party.

Of course, when there's a party, i dont care that i dont know people, im like fuck it, its a party, there's gonna be booze, there's gonna be music, there's gonna be boys.

Too many photos tooo explicit to put up, lest some people get in trouble.. lol you never know with these blog thingies who might chance upon it. So the tame ones are up..

sooo mucchh fooood


with the birthday girl


yeah, i know i look like crap but whatev, that was me after travelling from 1.20pm to 9-f-ing-30p.m. so i think i look pretty alright for that!

Helping Seng fulfil the promise that i'd get her drunk that night


asian invasion


i loove Cheryllll


talking to glenn[who lost his first.... shot!... to me.. lol]


i think this is a hot photo.. Cheryl and i flanking Glenn


Aww Joe, who said i was skinny coz he could feel my hip bones! lol gotta loove a boy when he says that


A buncha us at Carolyn's pad


haha and the rest are x-rated/inappropriate. lol

After which we hit up a bar/club and danced the night away. Awesome time, though a certain someone(!!) was sooooo drunk (and dont even deny! ;p)

Was supposed to go skydiving, but couldnt because the damn weather crapped out on us!!! Grrr And to think we were so excited about it!

Ended up in Atlantic City. I love these kids, anywhere with them is funfunfuuuun :)

Sooo much fooooood AGAINNNN



The 3 girls and the mountain of DESSERT!!



FOOooooooooooodddddddd


While the rest went gambling, Cheryl Seng and i went off to explore Atlantic City! On foot. heh.

The walkway filled with shops, baskers and by the beach


me and my 2 awwwesome ladiesss


Seng and i at the beach - OOo sexyyy laddiesss


Cheryl and i - JAWS ATTACKSSSSS


blurry pic with surfer dude


Soooo freee sooo happy!


Of course LOTS OF SHOPPING took place, and soooo much fooooood everywhere we went! "From K-town to China-town" - heh!

:)


Soo many memories, so much fun, so little time to blog em down. Cant wait for these kids to come up to Cornell.

Tomorrow, SAKE BOMBING AGAIN!!! WOOhooo, u know alicia's down with the bomb! Konstatine's birthday! And we're gonna make sure he has a gooood one!

LATAAAAAAA.