Okay i think i've finally had an epiphany, like a proper epiphany. It just came across to me that maybe im the way i am with boyfriends because i always compare them, subconsciously or otherwise to my bro and dad... and the whole relationship to my parents'. And somehow the boys never seem to compare? Brian asked me once why i like "the attention but when you get the boys you flee" (thanks ah btw), Beeboo mentioned that im commitment phobic in fish and co last night and today in my room Fartz looked at the pic of my present guy and me and looked at me and went "i give you two 3 months" and when i protested, the girls were talkin about "knowing my past record". And at 2.47 am, when yes, i know i should be packing to catch my plane tomorrow..it came to me... yes, maybe im a bit warped.. but that i change my bfs frequently because im always looking for the "perfect" guy, in a sense, and perfect in a way pertaining to my own criteria.

And no matter what i say in public or what i appear to be like, its really not all about the money. Looks are STILL very important mind, but upbringing is totally the deciding factor. The guy doesnt even have to have a car, although that rarely happens, but he sends me home. Upbringing. He doesnt even have to pay for EVERY meal, but he opens doors, walks by my side, introduces me to his friends when he sees them. Upbringing. Upbringing. Upbringing. I dont even expect him to carry my stuff, but he should at least OFFER to carry my shopping. Upbringing. And walking on the side of the road where he'd get hit by a car first. Upbringing. And i know its not as if it'd make a lot of difference if a car really hits us but its all the little gestures that ive taken so for granted growing up that i need to have. I guess, as im sure Fartz would definitely agree with me, my dad's set the standard pretty high. And whether i'd want to admit it or no, so has my bro.

And my parents, i duno how they manage to still have sooo much to say and sooo much to do together after sooo long. And i tend to pull away from boyfriends because i have this innate fear that they'd get bored of me after a while - yes, of the one who's so bloody interesting - so im "emotionally unattached" (kindly described by Sean and Jem), so as long as they're on the chase, they're happy and interested and im in the safe, well, maybe sort of, if you get my drift. This is a pretty messy jumbled up entry but it was kinda too late to call someone up and tell someone about my "breakthrough". heh

So maybe its not so much wanting what i cannot have but more the fear of me losing something i want that makes me abandon ship. Well maybe, im not entirely sure yet, but for now, this is a possible theory for all u people who keep asking me why there's always someone new.