What a curious turn of events. Ironic, even. Eschewed for what I fear most I will be desired for. My worst nightmare, inverted. The news came as rather a shock. Why should it? Its not as if I was interested, being thus already fascinated by One. One of better quality, and of much more worth. Yet, hearing it in actuality sent chills down my spine. How the world ticks, and how things work. How long-held thoughts and beliefs can capsize in a mere instant. Confidents are intriguing people, who hold much power and knowledge to be unleashed at startling, capsulating will.

Then, in subconscious quiet desperation for a pillar of espousal, I turned to yet another; to You in solace and buoyancy I always figured you'd provide. Unfettered, unshackled, unbridled release from you. Where was my buttress?

I should be honored, flattered, feel privileged even.

Is that why You agreed to all my terms, to all my wills and wiles and childish whims and fancies? Because You knew it would never endure? Because You thought You would never match up? Then why did you fall in with the likes of me? I don't get it. I don't comprehend. I cannot fathom. Do not compute. Internalize I cannot. Why? You say you were compelled, that you loved me..love me...why put yourself through so much agony, pain and misery, for what You know and are convinced cannot thrive? You say gently its simply so. So She was a cover? A way to get over... everything...to heal; to feel again? I never meant to hurt you, to make you feel inadequate; to chastise, to weaken, to demean and inferiorate. It was never my intention to make you feel small. You say you don't blame me; I can't even blame myself. Sorry. Forgive my coldness. I cannot apologize for my background, my intelligence, my accomplishments, the way I look, the way I carry myself, the way I think, the way I love, the way I live, my inner self. I cannot. I will not. I will, nevertheless, admit I am not perfect. Please do not think I am. Why did you come back then? Why not hedge it all the way? Why not run for cover? Why access me? Why not segregate me from your world? I am no threat. I thought we could be great friends. To let each other in on everything. To learn to live; to learn to share.

They warned me not to let you back in; that I would be running with wolves. Its only been 2 weeks since I've let you back; 1 we spent together, 1 spent seas apart; why is it always this way with us? He may not be The One, but for now, he is my One. And perceptibly issues deeper than One are at play in this flinty, cold divide. I cannot help you. Apologies. Absolve me for my indifference. This time I cannot take the bullet for you. This one you have to walk alone.