I dont know if its a good thing or no but last night definitely wasn't the first time a guy told me "I dont know how you make me do all this shit. You're lucky you're so hot!" Which got me thinking. Why the fuck am i soooo goshdarn hot?! Daaaamn....

LOL.

But seriously, i realize im especially demanding to guys who i think are interested in me. I turn guys needy and possessive. FUCK. I didnt believe the bro when he let it rip before, but fuck, i hate to admit im starting to think he's right. Its a fact. I. Attract. Possessive. Guys. Think about it. Who have i gone out with who hasnt been ultimately possessive? Uh, no one! Wait, scrap that, i turn boys possessive. That's my poison.

I make guys try too hard. If they like me, they gotta work to get me. Why do i do this to myself? Why do i do this to them? I mess people up. Thing is, they don't come needy, somewhere along the way, they just become that way. At the beginning, they have to try hard to impress, to do everything, to pass the multiple tests, suffer the disapproving looks, the complaining, the impossible standards, the pointing out of little things which really in fact don't bother me, or i don't seriously require. To be the perfect gentleman, succumbing to my every whim and my every fancy. Then, when they get me, its not over. It's back to the grindstone, never to get off of their hamster wheel, the epitome of determination. They've to work to keep their prize. Like money won in a lottery, it'll run out one day if not fastiduously invested. Hard to keep, they say. "Miss popular" they term. Phonecall after phonecall, friends after friends. No time for them. Time with them preoccupied with others. I'm really not like that. Do i create this illusion, then? How? I do not know. I mess guys up. That much i do know. They come with good intentions, strong and confident. They end up possessive and in need of constant validation. Do you love me? Why don't you have time for me? Who is that? Where are you going? Why aren't you at home? Who are you with? Questions questions questions. Questions questions questions. Why do you let other boys hug and kiss you? Why don't you think of me? Do you think of me? Wait. Isn't that the girl's job to worry about this kinda shit?

I mess boys up. I can't help myself. Its not my fault. I swear. That's how i roll. What do i do? What can i do? i flirt by instinct, not as a forced outlet. You want him, i can tell, he's told me. No, that's just how i am to every guy. "Miss popular" - i can't get it out of my head, just like the taunting chant of mean schoolchildren - it seems like deja vu. Do i keep on dating the same guys? Over and over again, with different faces? Miss popular, miss popular, miss popular. Don't mock me. I do not deny, i would be lost without my cellphone. It rings. But not all the time. Miss popular, miss popular, miss popular, why dont u ever stay put? I cannot give an answer to that. I cannot rid the voices in my head, that evil, childish chant.

I always thought of myself as the perfect girlfriend. I admit i demand a certain standard, but once met, the guy's pretty much free to do whatever. Hang with the guys, i don't mind. I do not require constant supervision, no need for constant validation, no need to be soothed and patted. I always thought i was what they all wanted. Why have they turned against me? I need you to need me more, they say. I do need you, and when i do, i call you. Stroke your macho ego, i know how to play the game. No, i need you to really need me. What does that mean? Too independent. Too social. Too hard to keep. Too hard to get a hold of. Over and over. Have i been dating the same boys, with different faces? Why does it seem like i've heard these complaints before? Every last one of them.

Can a lepard ever change its spots? What does it take for me to break out of this mold? The boys who give chase and break down the barriers are the same kind. Over and over, i date the same boys. I date the same boys with different faces.